I used to blog - a lot. Somehow along the way life as a wife, mother, daughter, business owner, photographer, and if we are being honest, episodes of Downton Abbey have replaced my writing.

Maybe we go through seasons that we have a lot to say.

Maybe we go through seasons that we need to keep our mouths silent; to sit quietly and learn.

But here I find myself thinking about my blog, my thoughts, sharing stories and lessons learned, and the importance of leaving a legacy and faith journey for my children.

A few months ago I did some writing and (choke) public speaking, sharing a small part of our story. Since I am not a public speaker, I just wrote out my story and read it. So, really, by reading this you have not missed out on anything.

Here it is.

When Christy first asked if I would be willing to share about an anxious time in my life and how God worked through it, I had very mixed feelings. I instantly knew in my heart I was supposed to share about our experience with infertility. However, the whole time my brain was filling me in on reasons that would be a terrible idea.

The top 3 reasons were 1.) I'm not a public speaker. Being front and center sounds about as fun to me as having toothpicks shoved under my finger nails.

2.) Sharing about our experience will most likely lead to a very ugly cry; and

 3.) I'll be completely honest- I could have weathered the season better. I feel like someone who had risen at 4:30 am every morning to spend 2 hours with Jesus and their floral print Bible cover as they weep over the beauty of every word they read would be a better candidate for speaking to you all.

There has been no greater season of intensity, emotions and worry than dealing with infertility. As I read back through my journals in preparation for this, I found myself holding my breath, feeling like there was an elephant on my chest, and a huge lump in my throat. After reading through several entries, I felt like I needed to lay down and rest for a while. Clearly it was a season of anxiousness.

Infertility is difficult emotionally, physically, mentally and relationally. With each month that passed, the day I started my period I felt as through my whole body was weeping. My dream from the time I was a little girl had been to be a mommy, and with each month after month after month, that dream seemed to fade deeper into the shadows.

Hopelessness is a powerful emotion. It can be overwhelming. I struggle with knowing how to share this season because even though we cried out to the Lord, there wasn't a promise or biblical passage that offered us a promise or assurance that we would become parents or that I would ever carry a baby of my own. Verses like "Children are a blessing from the Lord" and "Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" were a struggle for me to know the right personal response. The verse that we were able to relate to was from Job's heart when he said "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

We prayed for wisdom. For peace. For grace for the moment. And of course, for a God sized miracle.

With each month of "trying" and each fertility treatment I struggled with remaining hopeful, but not getting my hopes up. I struggled between faith and reality. I struggled with anger and questions about why God gives children to people who do not want them. I wondered if it was silly/crazy to hope. One passage that spoke to me and in a sense gave me permission to continue to hope, even when it seemed impossible was Romans 5:2-5

through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I also found comfort in a study through Genesis and understanding that infertility has been around since the beginning of time, but it is seen by God and not too insignificant for Him to respond to on a personal level. I saw how God provided for Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, and Rachel throughout the Bible.

Over time God provided a miracle for us too. You all know him as Tucker. He was faithful to us then, but even the countless times that we went through treatments since then, despite the fact that the outcome wasn't what we had hoped for, God was still faithful to us through that. 

While pregnant with Tucker I remembered this song* and feel like it encompassed my heart.

Verse 1

In my moments of Fear

Through Every Pain Every Tear 

There's A God Who's Been Faithful To Me 

When My Strength Was All Gone 

When My Heart Had No Song 

Still In Love He's Proved Faithful To Me 

Every Word He's Promised Is True 

What I Thought Was Impossible I See My God Do 

Chorus

He's Been Faithful, Faithful To Me 

Looking Back, His Love And Mercy I See 

Though In My Heart I Have Questioned 

even Failed To Believe He's Been Faithful, Faithful To Me 

*Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir 

Ps 33:11 ; Ps 37:3-7 ; Ps 38:15 ; Ps 33:18 ; Ps 71:5 ; Ps 43:5 ; Ps 71:14 ; Lam 3:24-25 ; Deut 31:6 ; Rom 15:13 ; Rom 12:12 ; Ps 39:7 ; Luke 1:37 

I still cannot hear this song without tearing up.

I shared my story back in October, then again in November. My fears about the ugly cry were indeed warranted. I could barely read the words through the tears. It was raw, and I openly bared the scars and barren places of my soul.

Anthony and I have been married for almost 14 years. We have been "trying" to conceive for most of those years, and even though we both come from baby-making-machine families, that certainly was not the case for us. We tried for almost 2 years to conceive before going to a fertility specialist. We then began the process of multiple tests, different prescriptions, blood draws, etc. Eventually we decided to proceed with an IUI. We were beyond elated two weeks after our first IUI that we were expecting. In some ways, I think I had thought we had found "the answer" to our problems.

About 18 months after Tucker was born we headed back to the specialist, optimistic that we had figured out the "formula" and hopeful that we would conceive again quickly.

I had basically convinced myself those first 2 weeks after our second IUI that I had all the pregnancy symptoms (also a side effect of the drugs you take along with the procedure) and was devastated to find out that we were not pregnant.

A few days later I drug myself back to the doctor's office to start again, although this time she saw some abnormalities that she felt like would probably go away within the next month or two, but it kept us from moving forward.

This turned into not months, but close to a year, ultimately ending with surgery. After surgery it was time to hit it hard again. We mustered up what strength we could (and finances) and went through several months again. Repeatedly the results came back negative.

Infertility can take such a toll on body, emotions and certainly your checkbook that we took a break again over the holidays, then moved up to the regional fertility specialist. This was high stakes time. The treatments were much more intense and painful, sometimes making it difficult to even walk. I remember one day in particular; Anthony came home from work and asked about my day. I realized then that I had spent basically the whole day in the rocking chair, rocking back and forth in pain.

Ultimately, you know the end results of all of those treatments.