Last week a sweet friend and I got together. She is lovely, and orderly, and disciplined... and a new homeschool mom. As we visited she talked about a subject that has been on my mind so much - balance. When the kids were wrapping up their play time at the park I had a little bit of an internal struggle - should I invite her into my imperfect and lived in home? We are in the middle of a major construction project, so messiness is expected, but what about on our typical days? It is less excusable to have things out of order on those days, yet often they are. Balance in our home and perfection are not compatible things.

Because I have made a pre-determined decision to choose people over perfection, I invited her in, un-vacuumed floors and all. As we sat among the undusted surfaces, the toys scattered around, and hampers with laundry unwashed, we talked about the truth about balance. 

I've come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as balance - only "trade-offs." Over the past several years I have come to understand and accept that more. My type A, task driven, list-making-self would love to believe that there is an achievable perfection, but these years have taught me differently. Social media still leads me to believe that others are achieving those things, but the Lord is teaching me to ask for his "Daily Bread" and accept what that looks like, even though it typically doesn't include my version of success. My daily bread at this stage includes endless math pages rather than business lunches. My daily bread looks like rocking, singing, reading a Bible story and praying with Pip at the cost of a clean kitchen before bed. My daily bread is laundry, meals for people who seem to want to eat EVERY DAY, paying bills, Dr. appointments, errands, caring for my dad, and raising these little ones. My Daily Bread provides for my needs, but not all my wants. My Daily Bread gives me strength for the day, not the week or the month, but just what I need to get through the struggles of today. 

Here is a little of what I have been learning. I'd love to hear your thoughts and tips too, so please share them with me!

1. "Some balls are glass and some are plastic."

My friend Bobbi recently shared an article about balance that was so insightful to me. As women we often ask the question, "How do I balance family and business and relationships?" The article stated that we aren't balancing 3 or 4 things, rather we are juggling 50 balls at a time and the key is to determine which ones are plastic and which ones are glass. As a visual learner, that made sense to me. This played out for me a few weeks ago. Pip just turned 5 and even though I knew the weekend was packed, I planned to have a little birthday party for her with the neighbors. I had planned for Saturday, and probably could have made it happen, but it would have been at the cost of extreme stress and would have taken all the fun of celebrating her. I realized in that moment that her little party was a "plastic" ball. I called the neighbors and asked if we could have cake the next day instead. Delaying her gathering 1 day made a huge difference. I was able to make the pink birthday cake that was requested, and we had a lovely time. 

2. "Planned Neglect"

Several years ago I attended a Creative Memories party and it ended up being at the founder of Creative Memories home! There was so much life given to me that night. Rhonda Anderson showed us her scrapbooks and it turns out they weren't "perfect," they were authentic. They represented their life and the heritage she wanted to leave for future generations, not just a perfectly curated version of life mixed with perfectly designed papers and stickers. When someone asked how she had time to scrapbook all those pictures and stories she said she used a tool called "Planned Neglect." Instead of waiting for everything to be perfect, she made an intentional decision to let the dishes pile up and to choose a long-term project like scrapbooking, then catch up on the other demands in her life later. That means living with moments of embarrassing chaos, but valuing the important, not just the urgent. 

3. Understand Seasons

When Tucker was little I remember feeling broken. Before kids we had a very organized house. It only took a few minutes to tidy everything and it stayed clean. After kids I remember feeling like there must be something wrong with me. I just couldn't keep up with everything all the time. Then, a miraculous thing happened - Tucker went to school. For approximately 8 hours a day my house was kid-free and clean! It turned out I wasn't broken; I was in a season. Over the past few years we have gone through several more seasons. When my mom was so sick and living with us it was a season of knowing with extra things and people living in our little house that it wasn't going to be clutter free. Now, while homeschooling full time, we have different types of clutter, and the house doesn't stay clean no matter how hard I try, but I know there is another season coming - empty nest. While I'm sure my house will be clean again in the future, I know I will miss these little weapons of mass destruction terribly. So, for now I will step over the legos again, and be thankful (as much as possible). 

4. "Give yourself Grace"

Give yourself grace is a commonly used phrase that in some ways seems like a brush off when we are talking about our struggles. So what does it really mean? Does it mean to give up or to use as a blanket excuse to avoid my responsibilities? On a recent podcast, John and Sherry from Young House Love said that "we can accomplish less in a day than we think we can, but more in a year than we imagine." As I contemplate that, I understand the truth it carries. I can get so discouraged by my daily to-do list and the small number of things actually marked off in a day's time. Although a planner is arguably one of the most useless items of 2020, I have noticed that if I evaluate my lists each day it is extremely discouraging, but as I look over the week as a whole, somehow I have managed to mark off nearly everything listed for the week. It's a modern day miracle! Ha. By taking time to acknowledge progress, and express gratitude for what has been accomplished, it feels like grace and like tender mercies. 

5. "Yes" Cards

A key to balance is protecting our schedule from over-commitment. I'm terrible about feeling guilt and not wanting to say "No" to anything. So, over the past few years I have been learning to say no by saying "Yes!" I originally heard about this concept from Joy Vertz, a photography business trainer, but it applies to so many areas of life. The basic concept is instead of saying no to something, offer an alternative that you feel good about saying yes to. This article by Patricia Fripp has some additional helpful information about how to say no by saying yes. The questions below are from her:

Do I really want to do what I’ve been asked to do?

Will I benefit personally from the experience?

Will I have the opportunity to do this again?

How much of my time is involved?

Can the job be done quickly or will it involve weeks, months, or even years?

How much help will I have, or do I have full responsibility?

…and this is the KEY question…

Am I being asked to do this job because I’m right for it or because I usually don’t say “No”?

As I've integrated this idea this over the years, and because I am such a visual person, I like to think of my commitments as "yes cards." For each season of life I am given a limited number of "yes" cards. If I keep everything in "balance" then generally the cards have categories. My categories are marriage, children, ministry, business, home and other relationships. In the book The One Thing by Gary Keller he debunks the theory of multi-tasking and instead recommends focusing on only one thing and doing it well. I'll be honest- this was a difficult book for me to read because as mom's there are limited opportunities to delegate and endless need to multi-task, but as I spread out my yes cards in each category it was extremely helpful to write on each card what my "one thing" needed to be. 

6. Declutter

This may seem like an odd thing to list, but I cannot express how much freedom there is in having less. A few years ago during the Marie Kondo craze I joined a Facebook group with a January focus of decluttering. As the month ended, what I had begun learning slowly started me down a path of having a different mindset of stewardship and abundance. Instead of keeping things in case I might need them again, I have realized/am realizing that it is poor stewardship of what I have been given to just store something that isn't being used, but could possibly be used by someone else. The additional cost of more space, etc. isn't being a good steward. If the Lord provided what I needed the first time, he will be faithful to do it again if I need it. Growing up there was more of a mindset of "We better keep this in case we need it again. It would be poor stewardship to have to buy it again."

It seems funny to think that minimalism (or at least reduction!) can be tied to a mindset of abundance rather than poverty, but for me it really is. Less truly is more! To let things go that I don't need rather than holding them with a firm grip is mentally saying that what I need is available for me when I need it - abundance. 

This process has been like layers of an onion. You begin with all the extra stuff that you have needed to get rid of, but just haven't gotten to yet. (Planned neglect can help you make room in your schedule!) 

 Barbara Hemphill of the Productive Environment Institute coined the phrase 

“clutter is postponed decisions.” When we leave email in our inbox, or things scattered around our homes or offices, we feel not only distracted by the visual clutter, but also increasingly overwhelmed because each of those messages and items represents a decision we know we still need to make."