Isaiah 41:18

 "I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water and parched ground into springs."

This story really goes back a few months once again to autumn - my favorite season. Last fall had been an extremely busy season for my photography business. I had just completed 6 weddings, multiple family sessions in preparation for Christmas, and a special Christmas tree farm mini session. Even though it was a crazy busy season, it was also exciting. I felt as though life was moving forward in a new direction. After 1 1/2 years of Tucker being in school, I was beginning to feel like I was finding my groove, a new daily role, and feeling as though all the years of hard work with my business were beginning to pay off. A measure of success felt as though it was in reach. 

I decided it was time. Time to paint the last un-touched room in our house. The room that has never been painted, even though every other room in the house has been painted and decorated once, if not twice since we moved in. But this room has floundered. It has had an wide assortment of furniture moved in and out as a makeshift something or another. 

In my heart this room has been reserved as a nursery. It has never been painted because it has been waiting to receive a blue or pink assignment. But this fall it felt like it was time to move on.

I admit that never before has painting a room been a tearful, painful experience emotionally.

I picked a minty blue-green, and decided on an organic chevron design for the office. Something that would inspire me as I worked on my business, and be welcoming for clients. It felt like the perfect plan. I began working on the room, and amazingly, as rarely happens, the room turned out perfectly- just as I had imagined. I completed the paint, cleaned everything up, removing the tape, re-affixing the outlet covers and stood back to take a good look. What I saw was absolutely beautiful, and completely appropriate for my office, but was I realized the most in that moment was that I had just painted an adorable nursery somehow in my quest to re-imagine and re-invent that space. To say my eyes remained dry in that moment would not be true. 

I put the office back together, took a picture of my cleared desk so I could look back and remember what the top of my desk actually looks like, and got back to work, jumping head first into Christmas tree farm mini sessions. 

A few days later Tucker came home from school, sat down on the floor of my office and asked, "Mom, do you think that someday when I get home from school you will have a baby?"

"You mean you would go to school in the morning and when you get home that afternoon we will have a new baby? I don't think so buddy. That is not really how it works usually."

"Mom, (sigh) could you just pray for a baby?"

Let's be honest; Anthony and I have spent many years praying for a baby, but recently my prayers had changed to more of a "help me be content, Lord, and understand my new role" instead of praying for a baby. But you certainly don't want to say that to your adorable 7 year old son, so I looked at him and said, "Buddy, how about you pray for a baby."

As he laid on the floor of my office he closed his eyes and said, "God, would you please give us a baby?" Then he popped his eyes open, looked up at me and asked, "Did you get it?"

Talk about the faith of a child!

To be honest, I didn't give it a whole lot of thought. When January came I plunged ahead with big plans of pursing my business in a new and more aggressive way. I had taxes to complete, photo archives to make, and a year worth of business mapping and marketing plans to make. I rented office space for a week to get away from my distractions at home and focus on business. It was a great productive time, and even though I didn't get all my business mapping and marketing plans, I was optimistic about the year and all that I had accomplished. My cousin, Joy, was coming into town to spend some time together and I took a week off to relax and have a good time together. I was super tired that week, but just felt like the constant running of business in the fall and then the holidays had caught up to me. 

Joy flew back to California, and I plunged back into the swing of business, meeting with brides and making plans. I did realize that I was a little late at that point, but I mostly was just irritated because typically when I start a little late, I have an extra painful cycle that month as punishment. A few more days went by. We went out to dinner with Josh and Sarah and when we walked into the restaurant I was suddenly overwhelmed by the smell. Then when we went to Little Women after dinner I fell asleep during the show- typically a role reserved for Josh! A few more days went by, but still nothing. At this point I began to wonder, but felt stupid even wondering! Pregnancy seemed way less likely than early menopause, so I still never bothered to take a test. A couple more days passed. I talked to Anthony about whether or not we should test and he felt like maybe we should in a month or so if I was still wondering. I then had a very irrational and over-reaction to his comments, even knowing full well that I was likely being a bit unreasonable. Then, Wednesday night at Awana I was having Anthony take me home at 7pm because I was tired and waiting until 7:30 seemed like way too much to ask. We talked briefly about taking a test, but after our previous conversation (and my previous over-reaction) I told Anthony if he wanted to know if we were pregnant, he could buy a test himself and bring it home. 

All the years of infertility had taught us a lot about the hope/reality struggle. Taking a relatively cheap pregnancy test may seem like a small thing, but allowing yourself to hope enough that you believe the test might actually be positive sets you up for a suitcase full of emotions if the test turns out to be negative. It is difficult to even bring yourself to believe in the possibility of positive enough to test!

Anthony woke me up early on Thursday morning before he left for work and told me he did go and buy a pregnancy test. I got up and went to take it, nervously and cautiously. I went in the bathroom and did my part, but was feeling sick, so I left the test on the counter while it was "thinking" for the 3 minutes and went into the kitchen to make some toast.

As I came out of the bathroom Anthony looked at me and asked, "So?"

I started to respond, "It's not..."

"I'm sorry!" Anthony said.

"No, it's just not done processing" I said.

I went on to make some toast and Anthony headed into the bathroom, picked up the test and it said "Pregnant" right away.

He walked out of the bathroom, help up the test and asked, "How did this happen?"

Haha. I didn't really answer that question. We were seriously in shock!

We talked about it more as we were lying in bed that night, still amazed and shocked and both feeling like we were going to have a girl. There was certainly a lot to process.

As soon as I found out I was pregnant I thought about my cousin, Chantel. I remember a conversation with her after we had Tucker (miracle baby #1) about me trying to be content with one baby, and she said, "God doesn't limit miracles to one per person."

Ever since that time I prayed for another miracle baby, especially after we decided to stop with all our fertility treatments. It was amazing to find out that it was happening - our miracle was growing inside of me right then.