Grief can be such a surprising thing. Every book you read warns you about it, but it doesn't begin to adequately communicate the devastating depth of feeling it is to experience grief. It has no boundaries to time or space. It can come on as suddenly and as strong as the very first day you lost the person you love. 

This past week has been crushing. I am missing mom for so many reasons. There have been many different triggers, all different, but all debilitating to a degree. 

No one tells you how hard it will be to throw away the answering machine with your mom's voice on it. 

Listening to an old vinyl record of the Karen Carpenter singing can squeeze your heart, take you back to that kitchen of your childhood sitting at the table with your mom and make you sob tears of joy for the beautiful memories made, and the devastation that there won't be any more. 

My mom was my best friend. She was my partner in dreams, projects, vacations, cooking, holidays, and everything in between. We shared recipes but then didn't follow them. We made came up with fun costumes for the kids and made them together. We talked through the rough days, prayed for each other and encouraged each other. 

I have been doing so many projects lately around my house. They are simple and probably most people wouldn't even notice, but my mom would have. 

Tucker had his first ever football game last week and she would have cheered him on with me. 

It is Labor Day weekend and we would have called each other and talked about our plans and probably make some together - a picnic at Ponca, or a trip to Long Pine to pick wild grapes, or maybe a longer road trip somewhere. 

My mom taught us to value such different things than the world typically values. There are so many times I feel so unseen or unappreciated according to what most people see and value, but I know she would be proud of me and who I have become. 

This week I dreamed about her and of course we were on a vacation in the mountains at all our favorite places. The dreams are rare and precious gifts, but so awful to wake up from. 

I know my tears are unspent love, and that's ok. I know that I am one of the lucky ones to have such a special relationship with my mom and also have the time to say goodbye to her well. I know there is so much to be grateful for, but it certainly doesn't make it pain free!